Interviewed by Franckline Benjika W.
Shey Fondzeyuf Henry is a voluntary Family Life Coordinator in the Yaounde Archdiocese . He and his wife were selected as a leader couple in the diocese of Kumbo where they received training for close to seven years. They were trained on marital counselling, marriage enrichment programmes, couple to couple link, abortion rescue and many other aspects of family life. Mr Fondzeyuf has a diploma in Natural Family Planning from the University of Cincinnati in the USA. After that the diploma he studied psychology in the University of Yaounde I. Upon the completion of his studies, he decided to stay in Yaounde where he works on a volunteer basis as Family life Coordinator for the archdiocese. In the following interview with L'effort Camerounais he explains the various ways of handling in-laws who are seemingly a problem in African marriages.
Who is an in-law?
An in-law in the African perspective has got a very wide dimension. Neighbours and friends and very far relations are sometimes called in-laws. An in-law in the real sense of it is a relative of either the wife or the husband.
What is the role of in-laws in couples' life?
The function of in-laws as far as marriage is concerned is very indispensable. If they are well handled they make marriage very successful. But some times in-laws become a bitter pill to swallow. In-laws will influence the behaviour of everybody in the nuclear family positively or negatively depending on how they are handled. The role of the in-law should be that of guiding the marriage to succeed. However due to greed and materialism in-laws fail to fulfil this function.
From a general point of view do in-laws help, marriages succeed or simply drag them in mud?
Most of them do drag marriages into mud. Nevertheless there are some that are so wonderful that they advice the couple on how to live well, use their money, cater for their children and many other aspects of family life since most of them already have an experience of marriage life. Others as I earlier said make marriage a nightmare for the couple; they blame the wife that she does not have children, and if she has children they will say she does not have male or female children. At times in-laws will accuse women of chopping their son's/brother's money. With all of these complaints the women remains a perpetual stranger in the family
Do you mean to say if the in-laws are a problem to marriage, the woman suffers more than the man?
In most cases woman suffer more. This is because the influence from the husband's family is more than that from the woman's family because the man is the head of the family. In fact the husband's family always has that believe that the wife is a foreigner. This happens simply because many people do not understand the fact that when people get married they become one. This union is concretised by God and must not be put asunder by whosoever. Most in-laws do not know that part of the man is already in the woman and part of the woman is already in the man. So women have a bitterer pill to swallow from in-laws though the reverse can be true in rare cases especially when the wife's family is richer than the husband's family.
How does materialism moderate the influence of in-laws in marriages?
The bottom line is greed. A materialistic person is a greedy person. three-quarters of marital problems are caused by the materialistic nature of in-laws.Permit me use this example. When boys are younger and single they take better care of their parental families because their burden is not yet much. Take for instance a mother who is use to receiving 10litres of oil from her son every month and all of a sudden when his son gets married she starts receiving only five litres.
Such a mother has to complain but she fails to understand that the son now has to solve his family problems as well. It goes same for a father who experiences a reduction in his monthly pocket allowance after his son's marriage. Selfless parents will not complain because they know the responsibility of their son has increased as he has to take good care of his wife and children. Greedy parents and relatives will instead accuse the wife for preventing their son from providing them with gifts. However the Catholic Church has got a way of solving this problem.
The couples and in-laws are drilled on how to behave vis-à-vis each other. For example if my mother comes to my house complaining that she does not have oil, I will simply tell her that I do not have oil at the moment even if I do. When my mother retires I will then concert with my wife and send her with some oil to my mother. This way my mother will see the oil as a gift from my wife and not from me.
The same goes for any member of my family who comes with a problem within our reach. This will make the husband's family to love their wife. On the other hand if a member from my wife's family has a problem my wife has to give him/her the impression that she cannot solve the problem. Later on we will discuss it as a couple and I (the husband) will be the one to deliver the support to my wife's relative. This way my wife's relatives will like me and vice versa.
What advice can you give to in-laws and couples?
They have to know that marriage is a union of persons. It is a communion in which Christ has founded his church. I am talking about Christian marriage not people who cohabit. To succeed in the Catholic Christian Marriage the couples must realise that they are an unbreakable union. The wife must remember that her husband is president and first and that nobody will ever defend her husband the way she can do. The man must have it in his mind and heart that his wife is first and that nobody in the world will ever defend his wife except him. This kind of believe makes husband and wife truly one. Forget about hear says.
Do not let your relatives throw slangs at your wife or husband. Be your husband's lawyer at the level of your family and be your wife's lawyer at the level of your family.
There is a peculiar problem when the bride's family is richer than the groom's family. In such cases the bride's family tends to impose on the husband. The wife should not allow this happen. If your family has to give a car to your husband so that they can insult him, then refuse that car. On the other hand the husband must not give so much rights to relatives in his own house such that his wife is looked upon as an intruder.
If couples have to respect what you have just said then they will be charged with greed by society. How can they overcome this ridicule?
The society does not want to see any good thing at all, especially the society we are living in. Even if couples take all their wealth and share out to the public people will still have evil things to say about them. The question couples should ask themselves is to know whether what they are doing is correct in the eyes of the Almighty God.
The happiness should not be that of the society but that of the couple and if the couples are happy society logically must be happy. Remember charity begins at home. Always respect the laws of the Church no matter what people say.
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